Saturday October 27 2012 11:49pm

I could not sleep until after 6am or so last night, & I’m a bit sick from something, so I stayed in bed until around 3pm. It’s hard to force yourself out of an inflatable bed thats eating you whole when you feel like feces. I’m staying at my sister’s in San Antonio so I was sleeping on an inflatable mattress in a room with my parents, unable to do anything. My sister & her partner are both doctors & they definitely need their sleep because they work 12 hour days & then they’re on call when they get home, so I think I’m going to just stay downstairs tonight so I’m not making any noise while I can’t sleep.

I’ve decided I’m going to work on my food diaries tonight. They are long over due & my progress is being affected by the fact I’m not remaining accountable on my blog. I forget to take pictures more often, or choose not to, & this needs to stop.

Tonight I went to a flamenco performance & often art performances or galleries (dance, voice, art, etc.) make me feel shame for the things I gave up in life. More often than not I will shed a tear during any given performance because I’m not performing in my life. From the moment anyone walks on stage, I’m immediately drawn to their make up, their costume, how their hair is done, the glow tape on the stage when the lights dim, the placement of props & the beats. The interaction with the sound booth. The looks on their faces, the band interacting with the dancers. It brought me back to my performances & it made me so upset to know I’ve gone another year, month, week, day without pursuing my love for the arts. When they all took a bow I had flashbacks to my times on stage, in line with all my other cast members, bowing, with smiles on our faces. I’m so ready to take my life back. So many people told me what I should be doing with my life & I wish I had never ever, ever, ever, ever listened. They preach to us to be different, to be unique, to be our own person, but as soon as we try we are slapped in the face with conformity. Be a singer? Ohhh well that’s not a real career, neither is dancing, or art, or cosmetology. Well f that. It’s a well paying career if I’m damn good at it, & its MY choice even if I suck at it.

I’m really inspired & every day I feel like I’m ‘waking up’ but I’m still half asleep. I’m still in that half dream state & I need a bucket of cold water to be thrown on me.

  1. victorialoses100 posted this